I don’t do Twitter. Look, I’ve tried, but it’s just not my thing. For one thing, I find it a limiting format. With the character restriction, you inevitably have to employ a bunch of abbreviations and symbols, and a simple message often ends up looking like gobbledygook (as an aside, that’s the first time I’ve ever typed the word “gobbledygook”). Throw in a bunch of hashtags, retweets, and the typical number of typos and you’ve got something that’s not only borderline unreadable — it’s a Birdbox-level assault on the eyes. Also — and I hope you’re sitting down for this — Twitter is largely hot garbage, by turns serving up pointlessness, hatred, and pseudo-celebs pushing their “brands.” But at the risk of seeming too negative about a forum over 300 million people use monthly, I will throw Twitter a few breadcrumbs:

1.) I’ve used it to follow some of my favorite comedians, and it can be great for some random nuggets of hilarity.

2.) It’s been a tremendous tool to expose just how depraved and idiotic our president is. I mean, without Twitter, there’s literally no other evidence.

3.) I like to get alerts about the sales at Hobby Lobby.

But that’s it! Anyway, I have many thoughts that would otherwise be perfect for a Tweetstorm. They’re observations that share nothing beyond the thinnest thread of genius evident to only the keenest of observers. Yes, I realize that many of these would be too long for Twitter anyway. Hey, it’s either this or I share the poetry I’ve been working on.

-For many reasons, watching porn requires a massive suspension of disbelief on the part of the viewer. Nowhere is this more evident, I’ve found, than in scenes where the characters are “reading” or “studying.”

-I will join George Clooney’s boycott of hotels owned by the Sultan of Brunei in protest of anti-LGBT laws in that country. Let me be clear: I will not stay in the Beverly Hills Hotel, the Hotel Bel-Air, or even 45 Park Lane in London. Not all heroes wear capes, people.

-I don’t like to talk about it much, but I’ve become very active in the MENSA community. And I’ll continue apace until those snobs let me into their goddamn club.

-The following is a short list of movies that people collectively lost their shit over throughout the years and, by sheer force of will, have attempted to turn into “classics.” They are not. Please cease and desist.

1. Mean Girls Has its moments, but come on.
2. The Sandlot A cloying, shallow mess. Just FYI, the director of this movie also helmed Ace Ventura Jr. Seriously.
3. Elf Literally laugh-free…and I love Will Ferrell.
4. Black Panther Yep, this came out just last year, but I’m doing a peremptory strike. This movie is not good on every fundamental level.
5. Office Space I actually have a ton of affection for this flick. But it’s more of a collection of funny scenes than it is a great film.

-The NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament recently concluded. The vast majority of fans ignore college basketball during the regular season, but the onset of March Madness brings bracket mania (AKA gambling) and the accompanying eyeballs on all the games. Though there were some great contests, the early rounds didn’t feature as many of the upsets as years past. This, of course, led to complaints that the tournament was “boring.” Excuse me, but what?! A.) A lack of upsets is no indication of the quality of basketball being played. B.) If you don’t bother to watch a sport until the postseason begins, you forfeit any and all rights to bitch and moan about said sport.

-“The ice cream of the future” has become “The cereal of the present.”

-After copious research, I have determined that the world’s worst workout song is Double’s “The Captain of Her Heart.” Sure, it’s got an intoxicating piano riff, but it it just doesn’t translate into my legs churning faster on the treadmill. I write this knowing full the vitriol that fans of the Swiss duo will spew my way.

-I accidentally entered the exit of a parking lot the other day, only to find that I had run over a strip of those spikes that “cause severed tire damage.” It was a real “Oh, shit!” moment until I realized that my tires were fine. My relief quickly turned to bewilderment. Was this contraption just not working? Was the threat of damage all a ruse? Do I have a potential lawsuit against the manufacturer? I mean, I was promised some fucked up tires. My bewilderment morphed into anger: have we, the motorists of America, been lied to all these years?! First this business about changing the oil every “3,000” miles, now this crap. My bewilderment became panic as some guy laid on his horn, ordering me to get the hell out of the way.

-I’ve stated before that I can find stunning ways to waste time on the internet. Welp, today I watched a 13-minute video that answers the question, “Why can’t the Avengers defeat Thanos by Ant-Man flying up his butt and expanding?” For the love of God, it got very technical (tensile strength was discussed). To save you the trouble, for some reason he cannot. I could have provided a link to said video, but I wanted to force you to type “Ant-Man up Thanos’ ass” into a search engine.

-I’d like to think I’m hardy enough to weather any storm that blows into my life. But goddamn it if losing my ChapStick doesn’t send my day into a tailspin.