You don’t have to be a cinephile to realize that Hollywood has run out of ideas — at least the original ones. Studios churn out the remakes with reckless abandon these days- sorry, actually, their versions are reimagined. That’s fancy talk for taking the barest plot outlines, characters and, most importantly, the title and updating them for the delicate sensibilities of the 2010s crowd. Just in the past couple years, we’ve been kicked in the face by a new The Karate Kid, sloppy swished away from Footloose and dodged the bullet that is Red Dawn. Yes, Hollywood has been betting heavily that those in the 35-45 year-old demographic will want to take a stroll down cinematic memory lane with the favorites of their youth — while also checking out how they’ve been tinkered with. C’mon Wolverines…time to take back your country from those dastardly…North Koreans?! Well, for all the turds Hollywood flings into our multiplexes, I think I’ve earned the right to devise my own movie remake pitches for the scores of high-ranking studio execs that read this blog. So here are a few that will, God willing, get the green light at some point (don’t worry, there are no “classics” here).

3 Men and a Baby Leonard Nimoy’s (seriously) 1987 opus is screaming for an update for one big reason: the basic plot, while not plausible in the least, holds up surprisingly well for 2012, meaning no major alterations are necessary. Baby dumped at the doorstep of three swinging bachelors? And they have to outwit drug dealers? Maybe add some edge and you’ve got yourself a ready-made movie. I’m thinking Seth Rogen, James Franco and Donald Glover for the leads. I would insist, however, that the musical montage from the original where the guys paint a mural to the Miami Sound Machine tune “Bad Boy” be included in the new film. For obvious reasons.

Kicking and Screaming  No, not the Will Ferrell youth soccer (alleged) comedy from 2005. This criminally under-seen — aren’t all his films?! — 1995 gem from Noah Baumbach follows a group of recent college graduates trying to navigate the first period of their lives that hasn’t been completely mapped out for them. It’s talky and not much happens, but Baumbach perfectly captures the slightly aimless, “Now what?” vibe of the postgrad years where we’re not quite sure what we want to be but have a pretty good idea of what we don’t want to be. This film ferrets out more truths in 5 minutes than does St. Elmo’s Fire in its entirety. While it may seem odd that I would be so keen on remaking a film I hold so near and dear, I think a new director could bring a fresh voice and infuse a 2010s vibe to the proceedings. Probably a relatively unknown cast for this one.

The Towering Inferno  Redoing this 1974 film would resurrect a great trope from a bygone era in cinema: the all-star EXTRAVAGANZA disaster pic. Yes, we’ve had the recent The Poseidon Adventure flop (disaster remake) and the Ocean’s series (lotsa stars), but it would be great to make a sprawling, glossy thowback epic. Go all-out and grab the Cloon-Dog and Christian Bale in the roles made, ahem, famous by Steve McQueen and Paul Newman. Maybe we could even get them to re-enact that nutty movie poster controversy that McQueen and Newman engaged in. And it doesn’t even have to be played straight- go for laughs, whatever. If the movie sucks, which is a distinct possibility, the audience can entertain itself by gawking at the dazzling assemblage of stars onscreen. Jim Carrey! Sandra Bullock! Ben Vereen! Yes, sounds like an insane, expensive gamble, to say nothing of the fact that it would be impossible the corral the talent necessary to achieve EXTRAVAGANZA status. A blogger can dream, though. At the very least, the special effects would be cool.