It is with a lugubrious heart that I type this missive. However, in the estimable view of this blogger, there is a variety of habits, crutches and plain old crappy things on Facebook that make using it untenable. And sadly, it’s getting to the point that I may sign off for good (for the third time, that is). I’ve distilled the list to 3 biggies, but rest assured that I could bang out a 10,000 word post on the subject. Enough with the pretense. On to the list of grievances…

Horid spelling n’ grammar. As a freelance editor, I need no reminder that basic writing and spelling skills are lost arts…actually, I take that back. They’re not arts – they’re basic cornerstones of education that everyone should grasp to some degree. I’m veering toward preachy here, so I would kindly urge all friends to take that extra .02 seconds and capitalize where appropriate and remember that spell-check is there to help. And, if you’re going to fire off a vitriolic rant about what a dufus Joe Biden is, at least SKIM FOR CLARITY BEFORE POSTING. There’s just a slight possibility that you may not be channeling William F. Buckley. Come on, folks. Many of you have graduate degrees.

Mmm? Try grrr. Of all Facebook trends, I find the act of people posting pictures of food the most puzzling. You’re at a restaurant. A juicy, towering burger and fries are placed before you. Time to dig in – oops, almost forgot to snap a pic of dinner for my 350 Facebook friends! What exactly is the aim here? Is it to taunt your friends and family (Don’tcha wish this was yours?). Perhaps it’s to have a public record of you brazenly indulging the good life? Or, there’s some ongoing super-secret food photography contest for which I never received the memo? Two caveats I will issue on this point: 1.) The photography of one’s own culinary creation. I have never scaled the heights of Jamie Oliver, but I did whip up a Moroccan chicken stew a couple years back that I wish I had committed to film; and 2.) if the food is insanely expensive. Because, let’s face it, who doesn’t want to see a picture of a $250 omelette? Otherwise, please refrain from sharing your next photo of whogivesashit souffle.

Preschool comedians. Kids are walking, talking malapropism machines. Their innocent, curious minds produce some hilarious statements – my brother’s propensity for saying “Deliver us an eagle” during his prayers is firmly entrenched in family lore. As the father of two little ones, I can appreciate the musings of preschoolers just as much, if not more, than the next person. However…a little of this stuff goes a loooong way and, unfortunately, lots and lots of people fail to grasp this. They treasure every observation that dribbles out of their childrens’ mouths as if they were prophets in Pampers, dispensing the secrets of happiness. Worse yet, they feel the burning need to share these thoughts…over and over. Really, it smacks of desperation: “You must find my child as precious as I do!” No offense intended, but I don’t. I go on Facebook to read grown-up thoughts (and maybe to see if there are any good food pics), not to find out that some 4-year-old says, “Go rock your mama!” instead of “Go Barack Obama!” That material is best left to TV show hosted by someone like Bill Cosby. Hey, I think I’m onto a great pitch for the networks here…

Just missed the cut: Friends obsessively airing their political views; people cramming 18 paragraphs into one status update; Look! I ran a road race and have a combined 150 status updates and photos to prove it!