There are many relics from yesteryear that I (and in many cases, only I) look upon with fondness. The USFL. Music videos on MTV. Using my phone as, well, a phone. Whatever became of of the Afterschool Special? Growing up is hard, but this anthology of angst set us straight on the whatnots of adolescence, serving up the wisdom of a 30-second PSA in a convenient hourlong format. From child abuse to drunk driving to special siblings, the Afterschool Special had you covered during its 25-year(!) run. The tone was heavy-handed and the acting was obvious, but I never seemed to mind. Eight-year-olds weren’t quite so discerning in those days. The Afterschool Special even spawned an imitator, CBS Schoolbreak Special, so your need to be preached to was more than met in those days. Anyway, as the Afterschool Special an anthology series, each episode needed a title that was pretty descriptive of the plot. This gave rise to some fairly ridiculous titles. My favorites:

1.) “My Dad Lives in A Downtown Hotel” (1973) Starring that kid from “Escape From Witch Mountain” and Beau Bridges. The subject is divorce, and the fact that it takes place in 1973 somehow makes it 50,000 times more depressing.

2.) “Pssst! Hammerman’s After You!” (1974) A sixth grader runs afoul of a bully, who plans to pummel him straight into 1975. Considering the fact that we’ve eradicated bullying in the 21st century, we’d all probably have a good laugh at this one if it were to air today.

3.) “Sarah’s Summer of The Swans” (1974) Some treacle about a girls and her mentally disabled brother. But! Starring Eve Plumb and Christopher Knight post-“Brady Bunch.” Consider your mind blown. Sadly, there’s not nearly as much swan action as the title implies.

4.) “Stoned” (1980) Scott Baio’s straight-laced student takes a few tokes from his friend’s joint and, natch, by the 20-minute mark he’s chasing the dragon. Fun fact: In real life, Baio actually abstained from drugs and alcohol. His addiction was the unlimited stream of tail that would find its way onto the “Happy Days” back lot. Co-starring Largo Woodruff. Largo Woodruff. I feel like making an entire documentary on that name alone.

5.) “Schoolboy Father” (1980) Rob Lowe plays a high schooler who fights his summer fling for custody of their love child. In what universe would this happen?! Probably the same universe where co-stars Dana Plato and Nancy McKeon were much bigger names than Lowe.

6.) “She Drinks a Little” (1981) Spoiler Alert: She actually drinks a lot. Amanda Wyss plays the daughter of an alcoholic woman. Wyss would carve out a niche as the go-to ice queen of the 80s: she played a teenager who dumps Judge Reinhold’s character in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High,” then carved up John Cusack’s character’s heart in “Better Off Dead.”