I was walking my dog the other day when a man in his sixties passed me on his bike and intoned, “Nice ass!” My delicate sensibilities were shaken. While I’ve lost count of how many compliments I’ve received on my shapely derriere, hearing one from a complete stranger was indeed a puzzler. Then I looked down and realized that I was wearing my Gonzaga sweatshirt — the guy was actually saying “Go Zags!” This situation really could’ve been avoided if we’d sent my daughter to one of her other top choices, such as Oregon or Providence. Maybe not! “Go Ducks!” can sound like “You suck!” and “Yay, Friars!” could easily be “Hey, liar!” I need to either hold off on the college sweatshirts or get my hearing checked.

I know what you’re thinking: Not a-one post from this guy in 3 years, and he opens with this shitty anecdote? Yes. This is very on-brand.

Anyway, speaking of college, it’s graduation time for millions of college students. Most of them were born several years into the 21st century, a fact that’s 50% horrifying, 50% depressing if you’re of a certain age. In honor of this, it’s time to test your knowledge of — what else — the alma maters of fictional 1980s TV characters! I mean, who am I to turn down a nostalgia bath? It was fairly hard to dig up some of this information. In many instances, I tried calling the actors themselves. Bronson Pinchot (Yale ’81) is very cool! I also discovered characters that attended colleges which were obvious stand-ins for real institutions. For instance, on Charles In Charge, the title character attends Copeland College in New Brunswick, New Jersey — which seems like a thinly-veiled reference to Rutgers. It turns out that people have avoided associating with Scott Baio for longer than we realized.

All right, stop stalling. Match characters with their schools. Win fabulous prizes.

Note: some of these shows straddled the decades. But if it aired in the ’80s, it’s included. Also note: I included a fake entry because we all need more whimsy in our lives.

Character 1.) Suzanne Sugarbaker (Designing Women) 2.) Steven and Elyse Keaton (Family Ties) 3. Sonny Crockett (Miami Vice) 4. Rebecca Howe (Cheers) 5. Tony Micelli (Who’s The Boss?) 6. Jason and Maggie Seaver (Growing Pains) 7. Thomas Magnum (Magnum PI) 8. Sondra Huxtable (The Cosby Show) 9. Bobby Ewing (Dallas) 10. Trapper John McIntyre (M*A*S*H/Trapper John, MD) 11. Natalie Green (The Facts Of Life) 12. Michael Kuzak (LA Law) 13. Raj Thomas (What’s Happening Now??) 14. Sara Rush (Too Close For Comfort) 15. David Hogan (The Hogan Family) 16. Wayne Fiscus (St. Elsewhere) 17. Michael Steadman (Thirtysomething) 18. Sam Beckett (Quantum Leap) 19. “Puff” Rogowski (Crazy Eights) 20. John “Hannibal” Smith (The A-Team)	College A. University of California, Berkeley B. Ole Miss C. San Francisco State D. Boston College E. USC F. University of Texas G. Oklahoma State H. UCONN I. Yale J. Northwestern K. Fairfield L. Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts M. United States Naval Academy N. Tulane O. MIT P. United States Military Academy Q. Princeton R. University of Florida S. Dartmouth T. University of Pennsylvania

Answers: 1:B; 2:A; 3:R; 4:H; 5:K; 6:D; 7:M; 8:Q; 9:F; 10:S; 11:L; 12:I; 13:E; 14:C; 15:J; 16:M; 17:T; 18:O; 19:G; 20:P

Ratings

1-4: Hey, maybe thinking isn’t your thing! We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

5-8: People- and I’m not saying me- may think a bit less of you.

9-12: If you’re one of those people that lies in bed at night grappling with your fears, failures, and frailties, make room for one more demon to torment your psyche.

13-15: So, uh, everything okay at home?

16-18: Don’t “But Dad!” me! I’ve done all I can do! You have to want it for yourself.

19-20: Nice work.