Unless you’re Randall Flagg, 2020 didn’t go as planned. Compounding matters is the fact  that the age of boxing robots is not upon us, as predicted – er, depicted — in the 2020-set 2009 opus Real Steel. So, it was a big fail all the way around. The Ongoing Event That Shall Not Be Named seems to have separated people into two categories: a.) those seizing it as an opportunity to better themselves by plunging headlong into a regimen of fitness, reconnecting with family and friends, and ticking off bucket list activities; and b.) those silently wishing the people in group A would be swallowed up by a sinkhole. Well, how about trying something new and exciting? No, I’m not referring to pushing the commencement of day drinking back a couple of hours). This post be about pickleball.

If you’ve ever walked past a court where two people were playing a game that looked similar to tennis, well, they were probably playing tennis. But if you looked a couple of courts over and saw what appeared to be a miniature tennis court where people are wielding paddles, that’s pickleball! Now, I know what you’re thinking: It looks like punishment for people who have committed tennis crimes. In some cases, you may be right. Your first instinct may be to scoff, perhaps even heartily. And why not? Things that look like their more popular counterparts have been objects for derision for many years (see zebras and horses, or Bryce Dallas Howard and Jessica Chastain). Well, dig this: pickleball – sorry, bumper pool — is the fastest-growing sport in America. Intrigued? Of course you might be. Fuck, you might say. How do I get answers to many questions I have about pickleball? Well, all or some will be revealed in the questionnaire that I answered below.

What is pickleball?

First played in Bainbridge Island, Washington in the mid-1960s, pickleball is a sport that can best be described as an unholy mixture of tennis, table tennis, and badminton. Paddles are made of wood or composite materials, and the polymer ball features 26-40 holes. The court is nearly identical to a badminton court, and the net is similar to that used in tennis. You can play singles or doubles. The serve is performed in an underhanded fashion from behind the baseline diagonally into the opponent’s service court. The players on each side must let the ball bounce once before volleys are allowed. The in-play rules are largely similar to those of tennis. There’s a whole lexicon of terminology like “around the post,” “erne,” and “kitchen,” but I can sense your finger moving toward your mouse button so now’s not the time to dampen your enthusiasm by getting bogged down in minutiae.

The name is gimmicky and dumb. Where did it come from, and can you change it?

According to Joan Pritchard, wife of creator Joel Pritchard, it’s “the combination of different sports reminded me of the pickle boat in crew where oarsmen were chosen from the leftovers of other boats.” Joan, you’ve made us all sorry for even reading this. With you as one of the stewards of the sport, it’s a wonder the game has flourished. What you should have said was, “Joel and I decided the combine our sex safe words to honor the game that has given us so much pleasure. Mine’s “pickle,” his is “ball.”’

What are the health benefits of playing pickleball?

Ugh! do you always have to ask, What’s in it for me? Studies show that 45 minutes of pickleball burns as many calories as one vigorous session of laundry folding. Pickleball also tests one’s reflexes, agility, and, I dunno, strength? The game may even have healing qualities! One pickleballer even reported that an intense case of crabs cleared up after one session (unverified). P’ball, like most sports, can be great for your mental health, as well. You can pal around with your chums, get your competitive on, and even share some chortles and guffaws at the inevitable crotch-shots.

Can I get hurt playing pickleball?

They don’t call it “The 50-yard indoor war” for nothing! Injuries range from torn rotator cuff (common) to detached retina (likely), to fits of rage (certainly).

Can I gamble on pickleball?

What a stupid question. Gambling on pickleball is required, yet highly illegal. I recommend that you invent a lightly-regulated alternative currency to use in order to avoid arousing suspicion. Or would that actually arouse suspicion? Well, either way.

Where is pickleball?

It’s everywhere. And if you can’t see it, you’re just not looking hard enough. But since you asked, courts dot retirement communities and prison yards alike.

Is pickleball In the Olympics?

No. The words “travesty,” “miscarriage,” “of,” and “justice” come to mind regarding this subject.

What should I do if someone asks me to play pickleball?

Your first urge may be to alert the authorities, but play it cool. If the person seems like they’re not a threat to you or others, tell them you’ll think about it. Wait 72 hours. Make sure you meet them at a court during the middle of the day when there are plenty of people around. Perhaps have weapon hidden just in case. If all’s clear, have a blast!

How do you score a game of pickleball?

Officially, the first player to 11 wins the game (must win by 2). Unofficially… how to put this… in the simplest terms, you don’t keep score in pickleball so much as pickleball keeps score on you.

Can I watch pickleball on TV?

Oddly, network execs have been slow to come around on this sport. It’s still firmly in the “niche” category. But you can watch videos of it on YouTube at 3 am. And only at 3 am. However, at the rate they’re churning out content on the streaming outlets, the studios need fresh ideas. Can the teen dramedy Pickleball Academy be far from reality? Mind you, I write this as pure conjecture, not as someone who’s written four-and-a-half scripts.

What music should I listen to to get pumped up for pickleball?

Yacht rock, of course. Also, theme songs from 1980s NBC series will suffice.

What is pickleball equipment, and how can I procure it?

Primitive pickleball paddles were carved from wood or ivory by their users. It’s unknown what the ball was made of, but it was probably the gross part of some animal. Modern manufacturing techniques using space-age materials have improved the durability, ease of use, and quality of play. Unfortunately, with these advancements, prices have skyrocketed. Equipment costs can run into the thousands. The best course of action would be to borrow a paddle from a friend who plays, then feign ignorance every time they ask for it to be returned. Scrawl your name on any equipment as “proof” of ownership. As a last resort, bring up a sick relative every time your friend inquires about their property to head off trouble. Alternatively, you could create a profile on a dating website, hopefully lure someone in who’s a pickleball fanatic, then steal their gear and ghost them. If this seems cruel, not to mention a lot of work, then perhaps pickleball might not be for you.

Can I play pickleball with my spouse?

Affirmative. Pickleball is generally considered to be the most sensual of the paddleball sports. But if you do play with your spouse, pickleball would appreciate it if you could bring a friend along for him. He gets so very lonely.

Are there any celebrities that play pickleball?

Bill and Melinda Gates, Maria Shriver, and Jillian Michaels have all been known to wield a paddle. Fun fact: the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun actually replaced an intense pickleball match that had already been filmed. Reportedly, the pickleball scene was deemed “not homoerotic enough” by director Tony Scott.

I once killed a drifter and buried their body in a shallow grave in the woods. I’ve lived every day of my life in fear that I’ll be arrested for my crime. However, what terrifies me most is how much I enjoyed it. Can I play pickleball?

Pickleball knows who you are and what you did. Within 10 minutes of picking up a paddle for the first time, all of your secrets will come to bear. But fear not: pickleball does not judge. Swing away.

Is there anyone prohibited from playing pickleball?

Yes. Anyone who has ever tagged a social media post with the words #grateful, #blessed or #bliss. People who clap in theaters at the end of a movie or when their flight lands. Regular consumers of hard seltzer. Oh, and if you spend more than 4 hours per week listening to true crime podcasts. Okay, now I’m just listing people I hate.

Hey, wait. If pickleball has been around for 50 years, why am I just now finding out about it?

It’s been a long, strange trip for pickleball. Pickleball left college a few credits short of a degree in philosophy to pursue his passion: Hollywood fame. However, Tinseltown just wasn’t ready for someone of his unique talents. A 1981 audition to be featured as a competition in Battle of the Network Stars seemed promising; however, team captains Scott Baio and Gabe Kaplan nixed the idea, despite pleas from producers. Ultimately, a background appearance in the ill-fated Three’s Company spinoff Three’s A Crowd was all he had to show for his struggles. He couldn’t help but feel that he’d gotten a raw dill from the entertainment industry. Pickleball’s days of brine and roses had long since passed, he worked a series of odd jobs throughout the 90s. During this period, he really hit the skids. Pickleball began sleeping in public parks. One day, pickleball awoke to find a spirited game of doubles being played on him. This experience gave him a new purpose. The rest, as they say, is history. Note: I apologize for the proliferation of “pickle” puns in this portion of the post. I know they’re a bit jarring.

I heard only old people play pickleball. Is this true?

It’s a fact that 68 percent of the people that play pickleball are over 60 years old. So yeah, most pickleball practitioners are a couple of years away from taking those community center exercise classes where a chair is the only piece of equipment they use. But! You can be part of a youth movement to make the sport cool again. Or at least on par with tetherball.

What is considered the pickleball capital of the world?

Why Naples, Florida, of course. It hosts the US Open Pickleball Championship yearly, which brings in 10,000 spectators. Are they adding a zero or two to this tally? This is a question for the ages.

There you go. I’ve educated you on a wonderfully obscure pastime. Now, you’re at a crossroads. What are you going to do for your next activity? Maybe go on the 2,700^th hike of your life? You do realize that’s just placing one foot in front of the other endlessly, right? There’s a reason the term “hiker’s high” has never caught on. Maybe you’ll hit the park for some ultimate, which is fine if you enjoy the concept of the most low-key activity imaginable – tossing a Frisbee – and adding an aggressive douchebro barking in your face to the proceedings. Or, you can grab life by the horns and play pickleball. Fired up? Great! Now, all you need to do is convince a friend to do the same thing.