I have two daughters, Molly, 8, and Maddy, 11. They’ve each participated in sports since they were 5. The girls enjoy it all: the action, the camaraderie, the competition, donning uniforms, the snacks, the whole shebang. This delights me to no end for a variety of reasons: I love sports; it’s great exercise; the kids learn the value of hard work, perseverance, teamwork, and following directions; they don’t involve the use of an electronic device. While I’m a bit bummed that neither of my offspring inherited a desire to play my favorite sport, tennis, and have refused every attempt on my part to force them to play or else introduce the sport to them, I’m thrilled with their athletic endeavors thus far. As an observer of practices, games, tournaments, and the like over the past several years, I’ve realized that my mind has become a repository of observations about the weird, wacky world of youth sports. Okay, maybe it’s not quite “weird” or “wacky,” but too late! You’re already this far into the post — may as well finish it. Don’t worry, though, it’s in list format for easy reading.

My ranking of sports in order of their watchability. If I’m being honest, there’s a selfish component to youth sports — as in, am I going to be entertained watching this activity? Yes, parents largely focus on their kids and what they’re doing on the field or court, so what they’re doing is somewhat immaterial. But there are some sports that are more engaging than others to watch. Here’s my pecking order (obviously, I’m only listing those that my kids have played):

1. Baseball. This doesn’t earn the top spot based on the quality of play; in fact, quite the opposite. Ground balls through legs, balls thrown to the wrong base, baserunning gaffes — they all make for an oddly rich comedy that unfolds on the diamond. Don’t worry, I do my laughing on the inside.

2. Volleyball. Very competitive, all the players are usually into it, and when an actual rally occurs, it’s genuinely exciting.

3. Basketball. The play can be pretty ragged, and the shooting is usually rough. Officiating is brutal: I get the rationale that if referees called every foul or travel each game would be a three-hour affair, but they swallow the whistle on way too many occasions. But the pace is fast and generally continuous.

4. Swimming. It’s racing, so it’s inherently watchable. The downside: the 98% of the meet, when your kid’s not competing.

5. Soccer. Look, I’m not wild about watching pros play this sport, so you think I’m clamoring to watch kids hit the pitch? More than most sports, there’s a propensity for one or two kids to dominate the action.

6. Gymnastics. Just meh. Let’s just say that my kids haven’t done this in a few years and this is the first time I’ve thought of it since they hopped off the beam.

999. Ballet. No, this isn’t technically a sport, but I never miss an opportunity to bash this wretched activity. Tedious, boring, dull, and monotonous (yep, this requires four synonyms), it has a target audience of no one. I drive by the girls’ old studio daily and shudder.

A sports nickname for your kid? Let’s not, okay? Cheering at a game is the best way to let your kid know that you’re pulling for them. Cheering at a game by incessantly calling out their sports nickname is the best way to let me know that you’re a massive tool. A sports nickname is one that a parent bestows upon their child that’s specific to the activity they’re participating in, like “Dolphin” for a swimmer, or “Spiker” for a volleyball player. First off, this is unnecessary. Most teams ostensibly have some sort of mascot already that cements the team’s identity. Maybe just stick to that? But for some parents, this just won’t do. They need to go the extra mile and individualize the experience for their child! I have a firm belief that these are the same parents that need to highlight the utter specialness of their child via an adventurous spelling, such as Kendyll or Rylee. Second, for the most part, these are kids running around a field or a court who are just developing their skills in a sport. The vast majority of these kids aren’t masters of the craft on any level. So it seems a little anachronistic to repeatedly shout, “C’mon, Little Messi!” after a 7-year-old whiffs on a direct kick for a second time in a game. In Maddy’s basketball league there’s a father of an opposing player who obnoxiously calls out, “You’ve got this, Triple Threat!” when she has possession. It takes every fiber in my being not to turn to him and ask, “Do you call her “Triple Threat” because every time she gets the ball she’s a threat to either dribble it off her foot, shoot an airball, or pass it to the opposing team?” I’m fairly certain that would inspire a threat of a different variety.

The most vocal critics of officials surprise me. There are plenty of random stories about fathers at youth sporting events and confronting officials in berserker fashion. Indeed, the overbearing sports dad has become an archetype. Yet, after sitting at several dozen games over the past few years, I’ve been surprised that many women are actually a bit more vocal than their male counterparts when it comes to commenting on officiating. Not to shake your faith in what you’ve probably come to believe is of unimpeachable quality, but officiating at the youth level isn’t ideal: it’s obviously just a side gig, and officials tend to let a lot go in the interest of time. Plus, some of them simply blow and are there because, hey, chicks dig guys in vertical stripes. This produces a fair amount of grumbling on the sidelines sometimes, and I’ve been surprised that the mothers are, more often the not, the source of discontent. Why? My theory: generally speaking, the men in the crowd have watched countless more hours of sports on television and live than the women. Therefore, we’ve witnessed an infinitesimal number of bad calls (especially NBA fans). We’ve gnashed our teeth over missed travels, screamed at terrible pass interference calls, and thrown our remotes after dubious red cards. In short, we’ve been inured to shaky officiating. And while many of us may still get worked up watching our favorite pro and college teams get victimized, seeing it on a smaller scale is no biggie. I will say that women seem to deal with the frustration a little better, as I’ve witnessed no mother-on-ref assaults…yet.

News flash: kids are competitive. One of the greatest things about youth sports is their inclusivity; everybody gets to play, and the main idea is to have fun. I roll my eyes as much as anyone else at the “Everybody gets a trophy” culture but, big-picture, I simply don’t care enough about the outcome of a matchup against the Fire-Breathing Gummy Bears. There are a lot of games to be played until these kids are in their teens, and the fact that we de-emphasize who wins and loses — or just don’t keep score at all — doesn’t bug me. As they say, “The score is always fun to fun.” But! The kids actually pay way more attention to the scoreboard than their parents — despite the best efforts to reign in their Harbaugh-like competitiveness. I’m kidding. Kids, by and large, are able to keep things in perspective in victory and defeat. Yes, parents teaching them good sportsmanship and imparting the lessons of what sports are all about is one part of it. But most kids aren’t assholes by nature, either. In the 21st century, our society unwaveringly preaches equality, but this is an abstruse concept. Sports offers a refuge that’s distinguished by one obvious feature: there are winners and losers. Pretty simple. Kids like to measure themselves in competition. Let’s allow them to, within reason.