I think we can all agree that the email spam folder is a godsend. It separates the wheat of actual messages from known senders from the chaff of marketing ploys for reverse mortgages and financial entreaties from rando scammers “in peril” in Chad. However, I’ve found out the hard way that sometimes messages from some of my writing and editing clients gets routed to my spam folder, which I sometimes don’t discover until a few days after the fact. Therefore, I’ve gotten into the habit of taking a scroll through my email detritus on a daily basis in order to get to the legit stuff. It’s hard not to notice that I receive a lot of messages from sleazy adult-themed websites, be it to view camgirls or to ogle potentials for those “guaranteed sex” dates. Needless to say, I simply delete almost three quarters of this filth and rarely, if ever, go on these dates. One common thread I noticed in most of senders of these messages have bizarre names — not as in foreign-sounding, but as in not of this world. I’m flummoxed: what’s their endgame? Are these names designed to intrigue readers into opening the messages? Are they all concocted by the same guy who’s sequestered in some secret enclave and has never had contact with humans, so he’s forced to guess what names might actually be? Maybe these monikers are generated by some Star Wars-themed algorithm? Or, perhaps if you unscramble the letters and arrange resulting the words juuust so, it reveals the secret to riding out this beard craze without assaulting someone. The possibilities are endless, but progressively boring. So, I’ll just give a sampling of the best names I’ve come across:

Wontor Bontonk
Trane Arabesk
Pandey Yeard
Soin Pancha
Dually Iobanu
Ganev Soules
Broden Advene
Boopis Randoid
Orden Stilet
Moel Ibby
Eldof Fehrs
Occams Cratons
Parliman Ado
Krylo Sirkoch
Nealo Seethed
Tukus Carniva
Geaster Bugles
Gdallal Boness
Cuperus Cruel
Bleiler Bitar
Scism Ujral
Jedgr Starich
Norsilah Assels
Slaugenhaupt Ourlay
Lebert Erkaik
Kamimah Yance
Jutta Golledge
Agnize Hadvab
Purpled Bushing
Kessia Wittel
Rosin Layery
Sleekit Ibycter
Apdev Logcock

Call me back, Cuperus!