By and large, the game shows foisted upon us these days blow. They all seem to be filmed on the same set, take themselves too seriously, and have hosts whose sole aim is to wring. Maximum. Tension. Out. Of. Every. Moment. Yeesh. I yearn for the heyday of game shows: the 1980s. Without getting too meta, they were madcap fun, not some joyless, faux-high-concept exercise. The contestants seemed like regular people thrilled to be there rather than carefully selected stereotypes designed to hit every important demographic. They were emceéd primarily by game show lifers, not talk show hosts or actors slumming it by working a second or third gig. But as any middle school writing teacher will say, “Don’t tell me, show me.” And I’m sure my middle school writing teacher would be beaming with pride to know that one of her former students is blogging about a 30-year-old episode of a game show. That’s right: I’m recapping the January 23, 1985 episode of that seminal, 30-minute cash grab, Press Your Luck. Hosted by the late Peter Tomarken, it featured three contestants who answered trivia questions in order to earn spins on the big board. There were various blinking lights that jumped around on a game board which displayed cash and prize squares. If a contestant hit “stop” on a “Whammy,” it was goodbye, loot. It was all very zany and oddly compelling. You may recall that there was a guy who cracked the pattern of the board and ended up winning hundreds of thousands of dollars in 1984. It wasn’t determined to be cheating, but rather like counting cards in a casino. Nevertheless, he was later murdered with throat cancer by angry producers (at least, that’s my theory). But enough blah, blah, blah. Ready for some crappy-quality YouTube video?! Let’s get to it.

:06 Why is it that the montage footage they run at the end of every show always looks more exciting than whatever comes after it?

:10 Damn, $3,000 would buy a lot of tickets to Live Aid. All right, I’ll go easy on the gratuitous 1985 references.

:28 $4,000 + 1 spin! Adjusted for inflation, that’s almost $8,900 and 25 spins today.

:45 I know Rod Roddy announced many shows throughout his career, but he was synonymous with The Price is Right. Always felt to me like he was cheating when I heard his voice on another show. Fun fact: he passed away in 2003 from colon and breast cancer.

:50 Just an awesome, pulsating theme song that does its job: pumps you up for the action to come. Not my favorite theme song, ever, though — Alf still holds the mantle.

1:00 Those set pieces between Tomarken and the contestants are weird. Are they barriers to protect the contestants in case the hosts snaps from the inanity of it all and tries to go berserk on them?

1:07 The first of seemingly 25 mentions of the fucking Home Player Game.

1:35 Nothing particularly noteworthy (ie, things I can make fun of) with these contestants…

2:14 Oh, the trademark Tomarken quick wit is in full effect! He absolutely owned this gig. Dude could have witty banter with an air conditioner. Tomarken died in 2006 when the plane he was piloting crashed into the ocean. Third mention of death in this post, I know. What the hell, let’s go for four — by now, Rita’s probably passed away.

2:35 I was wrong about that noteworthiness thing. Rita has an odd accent that I find impossible to place. British/New Jerseyite? Dunno.

5:00 Whoah, a question about sex! Racy. This whole format is pretty idiot-proof. Multiple choice ensures more spins for everybody. And that’s why everyone watches. Let me tell you, executive producer Bill Carruthers didn’t get to be executive producer Bill Carruthers by producing two-bit sideshow acts.

7:00 This ad for the 1995 US Open reminds me of a simpler time when there were recognizable tennis stars and it was apparently okay to sell a tournament on the sex appeal of a shirtless Andre Agassi.

7:36 Haha. They gave that $250 to Al by accident. Heads probably rolled behind the scenes.

7:47 Confession: despite my obvious affection for PYL, I hated the Whammy as a character. It wasn’t funny, the themes were lame, and my young brain had difficulty understanding whether or not the contestant could actually see the little cartoon characters in front of them. There were many contestants who played along with the Whammy appearances, hence my confusion.

11:24 Is that creepy dude in the Rice Krispies ad hitting on a baby?

14:10 That’s hilarious. I thought I just saw all the contestants agree that JFK was our most successful president.

19:00 I’m starting to think that Rita sucks at this game.

21:00 A sailboat worth $1,379. Well, that sounds like a piece of crap. In fact, on the picture of the sailboat on the board, they should have drawn a turd with four smelly lines coming from it to illustrate how much it stinks. But, come to think of it, there’s not much room to draw four smelly lines — three at most. And three doesn’t really convey the absolute stinkiness of the sailboat; so really, what’s the point?

21:17 I’m starting to think that Andrea sucks at this game…and she’s the returning champ.

21:35 Bye now.

21:40 This was always my favorite part of the show: contestant with a bunch of spins who must navigate the board, the tension rising with each slap of the button. What’ll it be? $250? $1,500 + a spin? A bumper pool table? It’s like watching a great chess match without any of the skill or strategy.

22:49 Seriously, Al? Rita wins by default with zero bucks. The producers must’ve been thrilled. All this episode cost them was the studio time and a cruddy boat for the at-home player. And the cash for the small mountain of cocaine that Peter Tomarken snorted in his dressing room prior to every taping.

23:03 Al has a priceless “The fuck just happened?!” look. Get comfy with chronic bachelorhood, my man.

23:15 In case you’d forgotten, the 1995 US Open is coming up.

24:00 I can only assume that the guy in this McDonald’s commercial is running to the bathroom.

24:56 No, really, let’s spend more time on Juanita Tracy. It gives a nice balance to the show, as they mentioned her in the beginning, middle and end. I’ll tell you what, they’re starting to press their luck with my patience.

25:17 Gotta love the blinking “$0.”

26:10 Ahh, the whammy poem. A frequent feature at the close of every show. Someone put a lot of work into this one. Let it not be said that PYL didn’t have some devoted fans. I think I actually tried my hand at this a couple times, but goddamn is it hard to find something that rhymes with “Whammy.”

Despite its flaws, tell me that this show isn’t worlds better than the buffoonery of Family Feud or the manufactured tension of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? To this day, I remain baffled why PYL lasted only three years on the air.