I go to the gym regularly. Working out is pretty monotonous, so I end up people-watching much of the time…until the instructor angrily asks me to leave the hot yoga class because I’m creeping the participants out. I have noticed, though, that this weird little ecosystem  does contain some sharply-defined characters. Here are five. Let me know if you have any more!

1. Overly enthusiastic/incredibly apathetic counter person. That’s right, it’s the same person. When I arrive, I get a cheerful greeting — a bit much, in my opinion. He’s usually at an 11…when I need him at 7. Always asking me what I have planned for my workout, how my day is going. I usually just want to scan myself in and get moving, not recap my day. But when I leave…it’s the polar opposite. I don’t get a “See ya later,” a head nod, or even a look. I’m invisible, damnit. It’s as if he’s been replaced by the body snatchers with an emotionless replicant. Either that, or he’s witnessed me stealing towels. The next day, same routine. It’s off-putting, to say the least. All I ask for is a little balance in my gym customer service.

2. Guy who asks if I’m using a machine I couldn’t possibly be using. Common gym courtesy stipulates that you ask the person near the apparatus you’d like to use if they’re engaged with it. Which is a great system. However, I frequently encounter the person that asks if I’m working on a machine that I’m standing 15 feet away from. I try to suppress my incredulous look. This ridiculous query isn’t being nice, it’s showing a complete absence of common sense. The rule of thumb is, if I’m all the way across the room doing squats, I’m most likely not using the leg press, dude.

3. People that have conversations while naked. Pretty self-explanatory. Seinfeld went over this, people. The naked male form is utilitarian and should be covered up as soon as possible… except, of course, when discussing the uptick in real estate prices or any other mundane topic. You might ask, “Geoff, why are you hanging around the locker room witnessing naked dudes talking?” And that would be a fair question.

4. People working out waaay too hard. We’ve all seen them: the whirling dervishes of the gym. They’re all putting in MAXIMUM EFFORT, with the trembling, sweating, and grunting to prove it. These people are not to be looked in the eye; they may steal your soul. Apparently they’ve all discovered an extra gear that most of us have not. Easy, people. It’s a treadmill, not a Medieval torture device.

5. People that always seems to be working out when I am. I always seems to run into the same three to four people at the gym, and my schedule of attendance varies greatly. What the hell? Are they following me? Do they live there? Are they as sick of me as I am of them? Should I approach them to set up a schedule so we don’t have to do this dance any longer? Everyone has intrusive thoughts, right? RIGHT?!