While you all were spending the past month raving on about the latest things, like The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt or how fun it is to zing someone with the saying “Sorry…not sorry!”, I was slowly, inexplicably turning into white trash. I know not the origins of this transformation; I only know that I haven’t been this mortified since I led a bus full of my peers in a rousing rendition of  Go West’s “King of Wishful Thinking” on a class trip to DC in high school.

To wit:
1. I wore my swimsuit as underwear.

2. I borrowed a book from the library that was written “based on a major motion picture.”

3. My new dentist is located in the mall.

4. I watched Magic Mike on the treadmill at the gym. Sorry, that’s a different list.

5. I fixed the dishwasher by removing the accumulation of plastic forks in the filter.

6. I kinda sorta want to try the Sizzler that’s opening up nearby.

7. I used scratch tickets to teach my kids math.

8. I purchased a certain brand of beer primarily because it came with the offer of a free t-shirt.

9. I paid under $10 for a haircut.

10. One morning, I substituted a RockStar Energy Drink for coffee.

I’m not sure how to reverse this troubling trend. Should I start reading more issues of The New Yorker? Watch a marathon of TED Talks? Toss out all of my rolls of duct tape? Write all of my thoughts down in an expensive Moleskine notebook? Okay, that might be an over-correction. Perhaps I should just go with it. Maybe I was always meant to argue which wrestler has the best finishing move, wear that Ed Hardy ball cap in un-ironic fashion, and treat Halloween with the same reverence as Christmas.