One night several weeks ago, I had a brutal time getting to sleep. I wasn’t anxious about anything (at least consciously), I was actually tired, hadn’t had any caffeine late in the day, and there was no ambient noise disturbing me. It was reminiscent of my youth when I watched something wholly inappropriate for my age, like Jaws or The Dead Zone (the biggest difference between parenting now versus the ’80s is parental discretion with movies and TV. Christ, I think my favorite show when I was eight was T.J. Hooker). My go-to sleep-inducer, reading The New Yorker, hadn’t knocked me out, and I wasn’t about to down a sleeping pill (l still can’t account for two weeks in the spring of 2009 after taking some Sominex). So, I decided to exhaust my brain by turning on the ticker tape machine in my head that spews out all matter of randomness. I realized a few days later that perhaps this would make a good blog post (meh). Here’s a sampling of things you can ruminate on to help you go beddy-bye. You’ll note that there aren’t any serenity affirmations. Because those are dumb.

Are there any black people in the movie Grease?

How many haircuts have you had during your lifetime?

Why, in TV shows and movies, when characters go to Heaven, do they always run into famous people? Seriously, what the fuck? There are billions of souls up there.

Do you think anyone you’ve ever known has murdered someone? Or, if you’re really twisted, do you think anyone will ever discover that drifter’s body that you buried in a shallow grave because you were in the deep South and knew the jury was never going to believe some Yankee’s defense that he was rocking out to a Starship song that he hadn’t heard in about 10 years and of all places some random radio station in Vicksburg, Mississippi was playing it. Ummm, just painting a helpful scenario.

Is everything that happens predetermined?

A 4000-kilogram train car is atop a 5 degree incline which is 5 meters high from baseline to the top of hill, making it about 57 meters long. It begins rolling down. The coefficient of the rolling friction is 0.05, which is also static friction. At the bottom of the incline, it attaches to 3 identical carts. What is the final velocity of all 4 carts when they form a train?

Just what the hell is nougat?

Why does everyone use the word ‘nother, but no one ever writes it?!

Reminisce about bygone products you used to enjoy…and wonder just where the hell they went. Chewels Gum? Fruitopia? Cracklin’ Oat Bran? Veryfine?

When you have a day where you know you look like shit and others say you look great, are they just being nice, or is any effort you put into your appearance largely wasted?

Come up with porn titles for popular movies (some suggestions to get the ball rolling: How To Drain Your Dragon, The Da Vinci Load, Apollo 13 Inches).

What’s the deal with quicksand? Does it actually exist, or was it just a convenient device to place characters from 1960s movies in peril? According to Slate, almost 3% of films during that decade featured someone sinking in mud, sand, or clay. Now, it’s all but disappeared from the landscape (as you ponder this, you may find yourself sinking…into a deep slumber, that is).

How many elements you can name?

Why do we take the women’s magazine industry to task for perpetuating an unrealistic “ideal” image for females, but ignore the fact that men’s magazines do the very same thing?

What’s the first thing you’d do if you were elected president? Me, I’d make a beeline for the classified Area 51 files.

How many years of your life would you surrender for $1 million? Or, if you’re wealthy, how much would you pay for an extra 5 years on Earth?

What would happen if you hired two private detectives to follow each other?

Why do we perpetuate the tipping system in restaurants and bars?

Why do random people frequently say hello to you when you pass them hiking on a trail, yet never when you’re walking on the street?

If you could choose two famous neighbors to live on each side of your house, who would they be? (I choose Conan O’Brien and Tom Hanks).