I think we can all agree that the practice of creative naming has reached a fever pitch in this country. It seems like there has been a massive repudiation of so-called “traditional” names in recent years. I call it Namania. Steven is out; Stark is in. Theresa is but a memory, but here’s Tinsley! Here’s the thing: people think they’re being creative, but how creative are you really being when you come up with ONE WORD?! A book, a sculpture, hell, even a blog post are examples of actual, sustained inventiveness and craft, not simply thinking real hard on something for awhile and deciding upon it because it sounds cool. Furthermore, tagging your kid with an (allegedly) cool, (not particularly) inventive moniker doesn’t actually imbue him or her with any positive qualities. It comes off as a little…desperate. Sailor is unique, and deserves a name that will proudly announce this indisputable fact to the world. Recognize! Ahoy, matey. Make no mistake, people, we’re in a names race, and a course of action must be chosen! Are you gonna go Last Name-First (Reese, Chandler)? Or maybe “Earthy” (Sunrise, Rain)? Perhaps you’re thinking of the something from the particularly odious “-ayden Group” (Cayden, Jayden, Fuckinayden), or perhaps a “Creative Spelling” (Mickayla, Maxx). And don’t forget the category I like to call “Grosse Pointe Mommy’s Group” (Tallulah, Waverly). And so on and so forth.

Look, I’m not blind to the fact that times change — I mean, there aren’t a lot of Dorothys and Hortenses my age — really, it’s another form of fashion. Looking at my daughters’ school directory, there is one (!) Jeff…oh wait, he only spells it with one “F,” because of course. I don’t seek to expunge the world of unique names, but to apply a bit of levity to the process. Therefore, I propose the creation of the Federal Child Naming Commission. The funding required will be minimal, because it will be staffed primarily by thousands of volunteers who are more than willing to stem the tide of namania. Besides, I ask, can we afford not to have this? Here’s how it will work: expecting parents will be required to submit a selection of three names for their children (two sets if the sex is to be determined). The list must include a detailed explanation of why the names were chosen and the commission will then approve or reject the choices based upon established criteria. Criteria for approval would include the following: if the name isn’t outlandish (of course), proof that it’s a family/ethnic name, and, in the case of an unusual name, if the parents can produce a compelling backstory (“Baxter is the name of my platoon leader who saved me from an IED in Iraq…”). Grounds for rejection would include naming your child after a character in a recent movie (e.g., Neo from The Matrix), ridiculous spellings that make a name difficult to pronounce (Kacidy), and the just plain made-up (use your imagination on this one). Decisions by the commission will be final, but it would also work with parents to find suitable alternatives. If legislating baby names seems unduly harsh, thumb through your child’s school directory or read a couple of local high school sports articles for evidence. We did this to ourselves. If we have the means to prevent one more Jordynne from entering the world, well, the path is clear.