Activist/singer/hobo impersonator Bob Geldof recently got the Band Aid back together for an Ebola relief effort (actually, Bono was the only member to return). We’re also heading into prime radio play territory for Band Aid’s 1984 classic “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” I’ve always loved the concept of the cause song. The eclectic mishmash of singers. The “WTF?” presence of non-musical celebrities. The cheesy earnestness of the songs. Wondering who was fuming behind the scenes because so-and-so got a solo. The cynic would call the cause song a monument to self-congratulation. The optimist would call it a generous gesture of support for those who desperately need one. Me? I look at it as an excuse to watch Jean-Claude Van Damme and Brian Bosworth get together and warble a clumsily-written tune. This got me thinking: what are some of the lesser-known charity or cause songs of the past? Surely there’s a world beyond “We Are The World” and “That’s What Friends Are For.” Suffice to say, I was not disappointed. This took some research, but aren’t you glad I did it insteeeeaaaad of you?! Let’s look back and laugh at this curious, hilarious subgenre.

“Voices That Care” (1991)

Cause(s): Desert Storm troops (morale), the International Red Cross ($$)

If you read this blog with any regularity, you know that my brain is where the scintillas of impossibly random trivia go to die. And yet, I reluctantly admit that I have absolutely no recall of this early-’90s gem. I was way into studying for those PSATs, after all. But what a revelation! The song itself (actually released the day after hostilities ended!) is pretty standard-issue for the genre, but actually grew on me after repeated plays. Ralph Tresvant and Celine Dion get things started before Peter Cetera injects his unmistakably powerful vocals (seriously, I don’t throw the term “living legend” out often, but wow. Ladies aren’t the only ones who love Cetera). We’re hit with the bad hair 1-2 combination of Nelson and Michael Bolton. Mark Knopfler adds a guitar riff with “Money For Nothing” special effects! And do I even need to mention the involvement of Kenny G?

Burning Questions: Why is it that they had to film all the professional singers separately, yet seemingly had no problem getting Meryl Streep, Kevin Costner and Richard Gere in the same studio at once? Were Michael Jordan and company really singing or mouthing the lyrics? How many people did James Woods assault during filming? Why does Garth Brooks always look like he just smelled a particularly nasty fart?

Worst Outfit: In a crowded field, this is a close one. But I have to go with Orel Hershiser’s vertical-striped shirt buttoned all the way up. Slight edge over the Cosby Collection sweater that Mike Tyson’s sporting.

Oddest Sight (Tie): 1.) Mike Tyson with his arm wrapped around Debbie Gibson; 1a.) The look on Gary Busey’s face when he realizes his agent tricked him and he isn’t filming a commercial for Crystal Pepsi.

This video just runs the gamut on star power. I’d spoil the fun of spotting them by listing them all in this space. Part of me wants to go back in time and interrupt the shoot to make impassioned pleas with celebrities. Ted Danson! Believe it or not, blackface isn’t going to be a great career move. Just trust me on this one. Chevy! In a couple years someone will approach you to host a talk show. Run. In fact, just take the rest of the ’90s off. Billy Crystal! Nobody actually cares where Curly’s gold is!

“Stop The Madness” (1985)

Cause: Drugs are bad, mmmmkaaayyy?

Unlike the previous entry I remember this extended PSA, mainly because CBS ran it every five minutes back in 1986. The ’80s were all about ramping up the war on drugs. First Lady Nancy Reagan was spearheading the “Just Say No” campaign, and virtually every TV program had a “very special episode” designed to warn about the dangers of drugs. Needless to say, scare tactics were in full effect. What better way to reach your typical ’80s youth than a powerful trumpet riff from jazz legend Herb Alpert? The video opens with a “Scared Straight”-type montage of drugs, people doing drugs, people being arrested for doing drugs, and people going to jail for dealing/doing drugs. Subtle. A couple of teenagers (Claudia Wells, Jennifer Parker in Back To The Future, and Boogaloo Shrimp, Turbo in Breakin’) struggle with substance abuse…I guess. We never actually see them popping pills or smoking the demon weed because, I dunno, maybe it would be too realistic. This is all done over a “meh” song featuring the voices of, among others, Whitney Houston (ahem), LaToya Jackson and Toni Basil. There’s a cavalcade of celebrity cameos, including David Hasselhoff, Casey Kasem and David Keith, punctuated by a Fame-style dance number at the end.

Best Moment: Stacy Keach inside a refrigerator imploring the future Mrs. McFly to cool it with the Bolivian marching powder. Incidentally, Keach had been arrested the previous year at Heathrow Airport for cocaine possession. But then again, haven’t we all?

Biggest Plot Hole: Seems to me that the girl’s biggest problem is her uncaring parents!  Next stop, promiscuity! Maybe they should’ve done a spinoff.

Fun Fact: Ralph Tresvant, appearing with New Edition, would appear in “Voices That Care” 6 years later.

Like “Voices That Care,” “STM” is all over the map with the celebrities, from Jameson Parker to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Its entertainment value is somewhat limited by the fact that since this aired on CBS, the roster is almost entirely populated by stars from the Tiffany network. The heavy-handed tone is offset by an unintentional comedy level that’s off the charts. Even 30 years later, however, I remain dubious that this video stopped any madness at all.

“Tears Are Not Enough” (Northern Lights, 1985)

Cause: Famine in Ethiopia

How many of you sat back enjoying the tunes “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” and “We Are The World” in 1984-85 and wondered, We’ve heard from the Brits. The Americans have produced a song. Where, in the name of all that is bland and polite, are the Canadians?! No one? Well, fortunately uberproducer David Foster (co-writer and producer of “Voices That Care”), who happens to be Canadian, ignored you and listened to the need in Africa. The single raised over $3.2 million for famine relief and was included on the USA For Africa album. “Tears” was also the number one song on the Canadian charts for the entirety of 1985. And yet, it had virtually no staying power after the mid-’80s. That’s probably because the song is utterly unmemorable — as is the video. It probably suffers from the fact that it was the third “plea for help” song released in a short period of time; there’s limited entertainment value in these tracks to begin with. Foster obviously did his best to recruit the best of the best in Canadian recording artists, and Bryan Adams, Geddy Lee, Anne Murray and Neil Young appear. Unfortunately, so do unrecognizable talents such as Liberty Silver and Liona Boyd.

Most Glaring Omission: Would it have killed Foster to grab a couple of kids from You Can’t Do That on Television?!

Production Trivia: They didn’t have to remove a large blob of cocaine from Neil Young’s nose in postproduction, as was required for The Last Waltz. However, they did need to delete a chunk of poutine from John Candy’s chin.

Missed Opportunities: Participant Corey Hart passed on the chance to audition for the role of Marty McFly, as well as the opportunity to record “Danger Zone” for the Top Gun soundtrack. But he’ll always be a member of Northern Lights!

“Tears Are Not Enough” was a noble effort by our neighbors to the north, but Northern Lights was a CFL team to the NFL squad that was USA For Africa.