I live in Portland. It’s a city of iconoclasts — many of them filthy and unshaven, but that’s neither here nor there. One of the traditional American institutions we Portlandians love to rebel against is watching television. We can say “I don’t even own a TV” at parties and somehow not come off as douchey. Personally, I think it’s a combination of our artsiness, our spurning of the “establishment,” the abundance of outdoor activities and the fact that Portland isn’t a big sports town (but I haven’t given it any thought. At all). For my part, I’ve abandoned the traditional cable subscription due to my strict anti-fleecing policy, something the cable companies have attempted to violate with abandon in the past. I also don’t have gobs of time to spend watching the tube. But the Fall television season has landed with a resounding thud in front of us. Even on the Internet, it’s hard to escape the endless reviews and heightened exposure to the newbies and returning series. It’s equally difficult to avoid forming some strong impressions about said shows. Let’s be honest: spouting off with snarky comments about anything is fun; when we’re talkin’ entertainment, well, that’s what the Internet was invented for! I thought I’d share some of my hot takes on some new and returning shows.

American Horror Story: Freak Show (FX): The fourth incarnation of creator Ryan Murphy’s wacky, depraved fever dream focuses on a traveling freak show in 1950s Florida. As is typical of the series, we can only expect the unex– holy shit, it’s Kathy Bates in a beard. Welp, they’ve finally done the impossible: made Kathy Bates unsexy to me.

Blue Bloods (CBS): Something doesn’t add up about Blue Bloods. It gets solid ratings, but it’s on at 10:00 PM, about 4 hours after the bulk of its audience has gone to bed. And don’t try to tell me that your average 89-year-old knows how to use a DVR.

Cristela (ABC): This new sitcom about a Mexican-American law school graduate trying to balance a career and life is “loosely based on” star Cristela Alonzo’s life…which is Hollywood-speak for “not at all based on.”

Forever (ABC): Ioan Gruffudd stars as a New York medical examiner who — wait for it — can’t die! I liked this show so much more when it was Amsterdam on Fox a few years ago. By the way, whenever I see this guy’s name I think it’s some game where I have to rearrange the letters to form the star’s actual name.

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC): While this show is likely long past its expiration date, it does have a couple that goes by the name Calzona, which makes me very hungry. And I think we can all agree that calzones are just the best.

Last Man Standing (ABC): I’m generally against any effort by our government to monitor the activity of citizens. However, I think an exception should be made in the case of anyone who DVRs this Tim Allen ugh-fest. Just saying.

Law & Order: SVU (NBC): Gonna go out on a limb here and guess that Olivia Benson may get emotionally involved in a case or 19 this season.

Madam Secretary (CBS): Téa Leoni stars as a former CIA analyst newly appointed to the Secretary of State after her predecessor dies in an accident. Tim Daly plays her husband, giving rise to my hope that this will be Wings at The White House. But it’s probably not. Also starring Željko Ivanek who, for obvious reasons, really needs to star in a show with Ioan Gruffudd.

Modern Family (ABC):  In a world where so many of us are forced to spend our days with people we can’t stand — be it co-workers or family members — it confounds me that tens of millions voluntarily spend time with this consummately irritating collection of characters. Harsh? Harsh.

NCIS: New Orleans (CBS): Even though it just premiered, I already have the perfect idea for how this series should end. Anyone who’s a fan of star Scott Bakula’s late, great Quantum Leap knows where I’m going with this…

Scandal (ABC): They fired disgraced actor Stephen Collins, but unconfirmed reports had producers briefly entertaining a plan to have his character hide behind a desk or under Olivia Pope’s overcoat this season.

Saturday Night Live (NBC): Attention, people who drone on about SNL being no good anymore and think it should be canceled: you know what goes on in its place? A fucking infomercial for the Ninja blender. Relax…

Scorpion (CBS): Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that that show isn’t a cartoon about a plucky desert dweller who’s worried everyone will be afraid of him, so he dons a series of wacky disguises, only to learn that the best policy is to always be yourself. It’s actually about an eccentric computer genius and his ragtag team of problem-solvers.

Selfie (ABC): Okay, so there was an audible groan throughout the world when this show was announced. Yes, the title is insipid. But really, is it that much worse than shows like, say, Scandal, Revenge, or Chicago PD? Talk about nondescript. I also find it a bit hypocritical that so many people who hate this title engage in the practice of taking selfies on a daily basis. So there.

The Big Bang Theory (CBS): Like this show, my blog is sporadically funny. Can I have $90 million too?

The Flash (The CW): As arbiter of all things entertainment, I think I’m ready to declare that super hero movies and shows are a thing.

The Mysteries of Laura (NBC): Comedy with Debra Messing as a police detective juggling career and family in the wake of her disintegrated marriage. This show has received negative reviews, and they almost unanimously point to titular character’s twin boys — a pair of unapologetic troublemakers — as a weak link. My solution: the double “Chuck Cunningham.” You know, they go up to bed, never to be seen or mentioned again. It’s unprecedented! Would it work? Who knows, but it would get the show some sorely-needed attention.
Transparent (Amazon): Welp, they’ve finally done the impossible: made Jeffrey Tambor unsexy to me.