Here’s a helping of the deepest, darkest thoughts that have been lurking in the recesses of my mind packaged in a convenient blog format!

-Melissa McCarthy’s new movie, Tammy, has been savaged by critics, and that’s putting it kindly. Let’s review: since her breakout role in Bridesmaids, she’s starred in Identity Thief (painful) and The Heat (middling). McCarthy’s also the lead in the unwatchable sitcom Mike & Molly. Which got me thinking…while she’s an undeniably talented performer, the high point of her career is when she took a dump in a sink.

-With our side eliminated from the World Cup, we Americans have gone all-in on the oh-so-tedious discussion of whether or not soccer has finally gained a foothold in the United States. Whatever. I’m just thankful for the exposure to Ruud van Nistelrooy, a Dutch soccer commentator for ESPN. It’s my new favorite name to say aloud (sorry, Republican National Committee chairman Reince Preibus. You had a good run). It’s sturdy and masculine, but delights with a touch of whimsy. And it’s one of the few great names that’s as much fun to type as it is to say.

-While I’m on the subject of names, memo to people who cannot pronounce my first name: it’s been 39 years, but I’m finally out of patience with you. For about the 15,000th time, “Geoffrey” (English spelling) predates Jeffrey (Americanized version) by centuries. And no, despite your urging, I’m not going to move to England. Besides, it’s not that rare to spell it with a “G”; all I (and all other Geoffs) ask is that you take that extra millisecond before proceeding to butcher or look up in puzzlement. It’s not like I’m Ruud van Nistelrooy.

-The other day, I was thinking about the greatest sitcom tropes of all time — you know, like Rob Petrie tripping over the Ottoman on The Dick van Dyke Show, the entire bar intoning “Norm!” every time the character walked in on Cheers, or the revolving cast of secretaries on Murphy Brown. In my humble opinion, nothing beat the college sweatshirts Henry Rush (Ted Knight) wore on the classic ’80s sitcom Too Close For Comfort. He wore a different one (sometimes more) in each episode — reportedly because the he had never gone to college himself. Viewers took to sending in sweatshirts in hopes that Knight would wear theirs onscreen. I used to get so excited to see which one he’d be wearing while he drew Cosmic Cow. I sooo wanted his sweatshirt collection. Come to think of it, I still do. However, when I caught a few episodes back in the ’90s, my attention was focused more on Henry’s comely daughters. And, of course, the comedic genius of Jim J. Bullock.

-While jogging the recently, I noticed that several houses on my street had identical hand-carved “No soliciting” signs hanging up. I wonder if they each bought them from the same door-to-door salesman. Huh. That was way funnier in my head.