At the risk of trapping you in a morass of platitudes, we can all agree that we have some amazing gadgetry at our fingertips in this day and age (aside: it’s now legal in 32 states to punch someone who uses the term “In this day and age.” Easily the most fatuous term ever). I mean, I still can’t wrap my mind around the miracle that is the microwave oven, much less the fact that I can watch season 1 of The Walking Dead on my smartphone while waiting at the dentist. With that said, why does it seem that product developers seem to gravitate to one of two extremes? You know the ones I’m referring to. Extreme A: “Millions of dollars invested in testing this thing, and they somehow couldn’t fix this?”  Extreme Z: “Umm, I could care less about this feature, but…whatever.” Allow me to illustrate through wordsmithery.

Extreme A is best exemplified by the iPhone…specifically, the tiny keyboard. Yes, I’m aware that I can enlarge the keyboard by putting the phone in landscape mode, but the thing is still too damn small. And I do not possess huge mitts; they’re on the small side (not girlish, I must stress). God forbid I’m not holding my device at the exact perfect angle. All too often, “I will pick up milk” becomes “I woo pick up Mike.” How did this feature skate through the Q/A process? When I use the keyboard, I can’t help but feel like I do when I go to Fenway Park — I’m only 5’7”, and my knees routinely bump the seat back in front of me. If I can’t use it comfortably, how, oh how, do others bear it? So there. I was able to bash two American institutions — the iPhone and Fenway Park — in one fell swoop. Moving along…

Extreme Z brings me the exciting world of the dishwasher. The dishwasher is just kind of there. We load it, we unload it, we buy detergent for it and, well, that’s about it. The dishwasher is a useful appliance, but it’s been around for so long that it’s blended into the fabric of everyday life. By and large, we pay it no mind. That is, of course, until the dishwasher breaks. Ours did, and in the ensuing search for a new one, I was struck by how many models emphasized how quiet they are…often advertising it as the most prominent feature. It occurred to me that, if I were to make a list of my top 100 problems on any given day, the level of noise emitting from my dishwasher would be somewhere around #1,400. I’ve never had to raise my voice to be heard around a dishwasher or thrown up my hands in frustration because I couldn’t concentrate on work. If anything, a dishwasher produces a soothing white noise! I suppose I can’t blame the manufacturers, though; the name of the game in advertising is convincing consumers that they need something they had never really knew they needed…wait, isn’t that the case with the smartphone?

I can’t wait to see what my “Technology in 2014” post is going to be about. Sexy robot maids? Best time travel destinations? My slow toaster? My mind is aflutter.