How do they make babies cry on TV and in movies? I know it’s not a shock when an infant or a toddler cries, but when they really need the shot and the kid’s not cooperating, what do they do? Have a stagehand don a scary mask? Poke the kid with a sharp stick? Show him pictures of a shirtless Newt Gingrich?

Why do we now have graduations for seemingly every level of schooling? I was never too hot on the 8th grade graduation (Congrats! You’ve…wait, just what have you accomplished?). Now we have preschool ceremonies, kindergarten ceremonies, and on and on. I wouldn’t care so much if the kids clamored for them, but this is purely the machination of adults with a burning desire to fill up the digital camera. It’s also yet another symptom of the “everybody gets a trophy” philosophy that’s overtaken American society. We reward the fact that kids simply participate now and celebrate the mundane, which obscures real accomplishment and milestones. I’m all for kids feeling good about themselves, but we do them no favors when we manufacture special occasions.

When will we gain perspective about time? We’ve all seen it: people celebrating an anniversary, birthday or graduation expressing their amazement about “how fast time flies by.” It seems to be an epidemic on Facebook, as almost daily a friend or friend’s friend goes into a catatonic state over a toddler’s first steps or someone finishing college. First, mock incredulity is one of the most grating reactions – get a goddamn grip, people. But sweet Jesus, has one of these dolts ever considered that they have a really horrible concept of the passage of time?! Or do they actually think that the measurements of time that have been in place for nearly 6,000 years have somehow been altered so as to screw with their minds in relation to the monumental event that is their nephew’s graduation from kindergarten?!?!?!